Thursday, Sept. 05, 2002 - 6:54 pm
I.
feel.
so.
damn.
miserable.
Those are probably the best words to describe how I feel right now.
I can't do anything about it because usually when I end up at these dead-ends, I crank up the volume and just have fun with music.
But nooooooo. My flute has to have something wrong with it. My piano has to be broken. And my mum just has to refuse to fix it, even though we have been offered a discount.
She doesn't understand how much music means to me. It's the only thing I turn to. If I'm lost, it gives me a map with easy-to-read directions (since I'm so not a map kind of girl) topped off with shopping malls every 100 metres.
But it's all been taken away from me. Whenever I find something good, something I want to hold on to for the rest of my life, something that makes me happy, something that's comfortable for me, it just has to be stuck to the part of my heart that my mum chainsaws away.
And whenever that happens, the only thing that's left of me is a bunch of guilt, doubt, and misery. And there's nothing to look forward to in life, it just feels like it's not worth living. Instead of thinking about suicide, I'm planning to run away. All I need is to learn how to drive and pack all my stuff in 3 suitcases maximum.
See. This is why I hate myself. I hate how I hate. I'm starting to believe that maybe sooner or later, when every single thing that I love is taken away, it'd be impossible for me to love. I wouldn't love. I'd just hate. I'd be like this ball of slimy green hate rolling around the fucking world, infecting every-fucking-one.
On a lighter note, I can tell when I'm funny. My brother looks away from me, shakes his head and smiles. It's nice to know that I can make an 18-year-old laugh.
On a not-so-lighter-but-still-light-note, in Malay class today, the girls in our class sang, "I Love You Baby...(and if it's quite alright, I need you baby, to warm the lonely nights...etc." in unison to the teacher, because she was 7 months pregnant. And then when she talked about exams, I was like, "Uh oh..........WE'RE IN TROUBLE, BLABLABLABLABLA AND IT BURSTS MY BUBBLE YEAH YEAH!" and the girls sang with me. That was really cool. And fun. And we were dismissed and this teacher walked by and said, "Were you the girls singing in class? That was nice, it's mym favourite song!" So as she walked away we sang for her =P. Still. I. Hate. School.
