Sunday, Sept. 08, 2002 - 6:57 am
I Need An Angel - Daniel Debourg
This is my cry
This is my plea
I need an angel
Calling an angel
Send me an angel down
I know there's gotta be an angel out there for me
Runaway - Linkin Park
I wanna run away
And never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
Leaving on a Jetplane - Justin Timberlake
Close your eyes and I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
Wherever You Will Go - The Calling
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
Miss You Like Mad - Tyrese
Going outta my mind, keep thinking about you.
Keep wondering when, I'll see you again.
Can't believe that you're gone,
Everything's all wrong.
Hurts my heart so bad
And I miss you like mad.
Like crazy, crazy,
And I need my arms around you baby,
And it's hurting so bad.
Cause I miss you like mad.
I asked my brother if he could pay me back he $300 he owed me. He told me to stop being damn impatient and I told him about how fixing the piano would cost $900 and he's like, "$900? Gila kau ani!" I only wanted what he owed me, not $900.
Then I thought. And thought. And thought. And finally cried. It's like part of my everyday routine now. I thought about how even though my parents say that I'm smart enough, winning all the trophies and certificates, that means nothing to me. I don't even know what I do to get the trophies. I just go on stage, slap on a big fakey smile, receive it and that's the end of it.
I'm not proud of that. A trophy's just a trophy. A certificate's just a certificate. It's not talent. Not for me.
I want to be talented at something I enjoy doing. Like music. But nobody seems to encourage that or believe in me, that I'm starting to pull myself down lower. I used to believe, I reallllllly did, that I could be involved in music, even something that's not entirely big or will make me famous or rich or whatever. Heck, a music teacher is enough for me. Because then I know I've got talent and that I'm good enough to teach other people what I know.
I looked at the mirror and saw a tear-stained face looking hopelessly at me. Someone who wanted to get out but couldn't. Someone who wanted to do show the real her but she knows that she's just a big disgrace to everybody. I just couldn't believe what I saw.
It looked so real, and it was real (wow, notice how I call myself it). I just couldn't believe that I was actually real, because I've felt so plastic all my life. And I actually looked in the mirror and saw a real person looking back. It was weird.
I mean damn, do I feel unloved. Unwanted. Useless. My birth parents can't be dead, because all orphans go to the Sultan's palace, and I don't know any Abdullahs except for my uncle and I don't look ANYTHING like my cousins. My birth parents must not want to have anything to do with me. And now so don't my current parents.
I wondered where all my flesh, blood, and bones came from. I felt like tearing my skin apart because if my parents left a little baby, then it's impossible for someone to really love me. I looked at my baby photos and it didn't look like I was adopted. I started yelling, "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!!!!!!"
"We don't have favourites, we all love you the same way!" YAH-HUH! Come ON, I'm not stupid!!! My little sister gets all the attention! She pisses me parents off, they laugh along! She comes home and they jump off their asses and watch her come up the stairs.
As for my brother, he's the oldest so he's like the most special. They think about him 24/7, about his future, everything. He gets $50 daily and all I get is $10 for lunch at school and it's not even enough for dinner, because everyone goes out to dinner except for me, so I'm stuck home buying something from somewhere and having to deal with leftover crap.
I asked my brother why they're all happy and perky and blabla and I'm always so cold to our parents. And he's like, "Because you piss them off all the time!" But I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID TO PISS THEM OFF SO MUCH. I mean they almost hit me when I ask questions (tempting, tempting) and totally ignore me. And when I piss them off on purpose, that's what I hate myself for doing and I can't control myself!
I'm going to find an appointment with the school counsellor.
